Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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