From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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