It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
