It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
