He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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