the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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