That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
