Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
