Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
