textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I have fence marks all over my body
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
