Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
