shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
