Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
