We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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