I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
