Just took my morning after pill in the library
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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