Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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