My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I'm too high and old for this...
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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