worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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