We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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