She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
It's blow job season.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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