well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
