I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
