We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
