He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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