remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Randomize