no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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