You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
