if i can run in heels then i can drive
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Randomize
