when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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