1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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