I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Boobs speak an international language.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
