He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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