My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
