Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
