my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
