Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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