I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
