I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
