Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
