I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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