just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
