And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Randomize
