well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize