now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
