I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Randomize
