I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
