the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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