I faked an abortion last night.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
