I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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