We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
