Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
