the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
