just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
