smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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