I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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