I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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