Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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