Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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