I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
