u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
