totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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