new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
