I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
