I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
