Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
PANTIES FOUND
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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