You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
